John Darren Johnson

I want to start this post off by saying that teenagers can be real assholes. I have no ill feelings toward anyone involved in what I am about to discuss. From my 16 year old perspective, Tawny was my friend who was dating my other friend, who didn't want to date her anymore. Once they broke up, he and I started dating for about five minutes. And he went back to her. And I hated her for it. Passionately. Like a 16 year old, which is what I was. Nonetheless, I'm sorry for those rough times. I think of her as a friend now. She has grown up to be an amazing person and great mom, and it's hard to not think things really worked out for us the way they were meant to.

Anyway, sorry to ramble.

This week my former high school boyfriend John passed away. I know that the time he spent with Tawny was incredibly important to both of them, but the time he spent with me was important to me, even if it wasn't to him.

He was my first real broken heart. I've been trying to reconcile my feelings about his passing and it's difficult. I keep saying you are supposed to think back about your young loves and remember them fondly, idly wondering where they are now. You aren't supposed to know they are gone at 30.

As I reflect back on our friendship and relationship, I'm amazed how much I've forgotten. If I ever hope to get any sleep, I feel like I need to write down some of what I do remember, to help me process it. I also have some of his sketches (and some of mine regarding him) that I've photographed due to my lack of scanner.

I remember the first time I met John. We were building a haunted house as a fundraiser for the drama club. I had just become friends with Tawny and Erin while in Cedar City for Shakespeare competition. Tawny was older and had a car, and seemed to be the leader of drama in general. Her dad was a professor in theater at the local college, so we went down there to borrow some supplies for building the haunted house. At some point, we picked John up and he was set to be our construction supervisor, which was code for help us figure out how the hell to pull this thing off. Part of the problem was the school emergency lights could not be turned off. Well if it's not dark that sort of ruins the haunted house. Our solution was to get ladders, drape millions of yards of black fabric and cover up the ceiling lights with anything we could find. John and I ended up in charge of that, and we got to talking. We hit it off immediately, finding common ground in a few areas. We liked the same movies, the same music, and both our families were lower class and worked in construction. While he was working construction at that time, I'd often worked on site for my parents when school was out. We'd both been born Southern and relocated to Utah. We had so much fun that night assembling things, and became fast friends.

Soon after, things in Tawny/John land were not all roses and clover. He would talk to Erin and I about wanting to move on. We encouraged him to do what he felt was right, but he was scared to assert himself. There was a lot of history there and it meant a lot to him.

Naturally, there was high school drama, but I'll skip that.

I don't remember how we first got together. I vaguely remember one of the billion times we were riding around in the back of Erin's mom's truck. It had a shell on it so one lucky person could sit up front and the rest would pile in the back, flailing and trying to keep balance with a lack of seats. I remember he kissed me, or I kissed him, or who knows.

We had a tight-knit group there for awhile. Me, Cara, Erin, Ryan, John, Lacee, and a few others spent a lot of time together. I remember the summer Ryan moved here from Arizona. I was working at the army-navy store. John was working for his dad doing construction. Every night I would take my 40 dollars cash (8 hours at 5 an hour with no taxes) and go pick John up. We'd go to Village Inn or to the dollar movie, or just go hang at someone's house. Sometimes we would drive up the canyon and go to the park. We'd build a fire or just go sit by the river. There was usually some making out going on, as Erin and Ryan would wander off. John and I eventually found a special spot with a great view of the valley. We'd go there at night after dropping everyone else off. I would ask permission to drive him home from my house and come back hours later, having been distracted and not wanting to say goodbye as we sat parked out in front of his house.

I'd had a serious boyfriend before, but I was completely convinced this was the real deal. I decided to tell him how I felt, and what I thought our future plans could be. That, as it turns out, was a bad thing.

I guess guilt got the better of him, because he came over one day and told me that his dad was starting a big project down in southern Utah and he would be going down for work. He said he would be gone for about 9 months and he "didn't want me to wait for him." I was so in love, and such an idiot, I actually tried to talk him into keeping things going. I didn't see that he was trying to break up with me. I told him I would wait and things would be okay.

My memory gets fuzzy at this point. I remember I called him up expecting to hang out at usual. I remember a car, Tawny's perhaps? People pulled up to my house and someone told me John and Tawny were back together, and that they'd been together behind my back for a while. There was no job in southern Utah, he had just been trying to spare my feelings. Because that's the kind of person he was, he never wanted to hurt anyone.

We sort of stayed friends after that, but it was hard for me. I wasn't over it. Ryan ended up leaving and going back to Arizona. He and Erin had broken up and she'd started dating someone else. There was drama of course, all over the group. John wasn't entirely happy about his decision. He was fine with the breakup, but he wasn't sure he wanted to be with Tawny. One night, at a school dance, he and I spoke and talked about getting coffee that night so we could talk. We both made excuses about needing to get home and then secretly got together at Village Inn. We drank two full pots of coffee and I found myself really sick. I had horrible jitters and was freezing cold. I was so desperate to be near him I didn't care about being sick. He suggested we go find a place to park for awhile so I could unwind before heading home. We found a parking lot and sat in the car talking the rest of the night, watching the sunrise. That was the last time I was ever alone with him. He had his chance to make a move and he didn't, so I knew it was really over. I couldn't remain friends with him either, things had just changed. Friendships changed, we all evolved into different people with different priorities. The era of Josh and Dave rolled in for me, and my world became about them.

So many people had changed in a way I didn't understand. Smoking pot all the time, like it was actually an activity you could do. Listening to music I didn't get. Wearing clothes I completely didn't get. I distanced myself and was chastised for being a "toogood" or judgmental. I had my own very real reasons for not doing drugs, and I took it seriously. I didn't even want to be around it. I lost most of my friendships because of this; including my sister.

John eventually got together with Lacee and had some of the best times of his life. My little sister was a big part of the time, as she and Lacee had become best friends. I am glad that he had such a close group of friends during that time. I went to Lacee's the other day and I could see how happy he was in photo and videos.

My time came before, not just our little fling, but our friendship too. That is what I remember, and what is important to me. I hope to see Erin soon so we can talk about our memories, because we shared it with so few people. I feel isolated and alone in my grief, like the John I knew was in an alternate timeline and dimension. It is both frustrating and special, almost like a daydream I once had. That is what the loves of our youth do to us.

I'll always love you John.