We All Have Our Foil

I don't mean foil in a bad way, just someone who offsets certain aspects of your personality and helps you be more introspective. This person also serves as THAT friend. The one you won't see or talk to for months and when you finally do it's like no time has passed at all. I had dinner with my friend the other night and it was so amazing I felt compelled to write about it. I feel so lucky to have so many giving friends, but this night was particularly special to me. We reminisced about our pasts, including stupid things we did when we were young and stupid. We laughed, a lot, to the point I thought maybe the restaurant staff or other diners might be annoyed. You know how you won't think about something for ten years, it's so blocked out that it may as well have never happened? This is what good friends from long ago bring out.

On top of all the reminiscing, I learned new things, about my friend and about myself. I learned her perspective of me, both back in high school and now. She told me how proud she is of what I've accomplished and who I've become. I feel just as awed by her, especially given what an amazing mom she is. She inspires me, always has. She was the one we all knew was going places, and she has already done and been through so much I know we weren't wrong.

While discussing our various problems and life-issues, we discovered something really interesting. She is the Brian in her marriage, and her husband is the Shan. Years ago Brian and I would have these horrible arguments, which even once resolved were devastating. The argument itself, not so much the topic of the argument, would cause damage. We had to figure out how to be better at arguing. That is an odd statement for me to type, because anyone who knows me is aware of my finely tuned arguing skills. I will destroy people in an argument. I have a knack for remembering everything and I'm quick to present evidence. I can rebut any statement so efficiently (and meanly) that I intimidate my opponent so much they can't respond. It's about winning, not about coming to an understanding or resolving the actual issue. Winning, at any cost, is all that matters IN THAT MOMENT. None of this is something I am particularly proud of. So when I say Brian and I had to get better at arguing, I don't mean better at winning.

We figured out how my arguing style would stifle him, undermine his feelings, and generally freeze him up. When he wanted a break to regroup, I would keep pushing for the argument to continue (easier to win that way) despite his frustration and exhaustion. We also figured out that he did not bring problems up when they occurred, but instead stewed over it for days until the emotion he was feeling was the problem and not so much whatever I had done to upset him. Half the time he didn't even remember what it was I had done, which was unfair to me.

As we discussed these things, we made promises. We got better. Our arguments now last about ten seconds. They usually go like this:

A: Are you okay? You seem grumpy/pissed off/upset.
B: I am a little I guess.
A: Did I do something?
B: When you said X it upset me.
A: (gets mad) Well I didn't mean it that way.
B: I know.
A: (sulking)
B: (sulking)
A: I guess when I said X, I was just reacting to Y. I shouldn't have said it like that.
B: Okay. (hugs and kisses A)
A: (hugs and kisses back)
B: Thanks.
A: Thanks for telling me.

Now sometimes I'm A and sometimes I'm B, but the point is that while it's still an argument and that sucks, we've figured some things out and it has made a huge difference. The whole thing usually lasts no more than ten minutes, and when we make up at the end it REALLY feels resolved. I don't harbor resentment like I used to, because we don't have these huge traumatic screaming matches. It's pretty amazing.

Anyway, I digress. My friend and I talked about it, and figured out her husband is just like I am/was. I could empathize with how she felt, because it's how Brian feels and I have the benefit of having discussed it with him in depth. I could provide her insight she would not have without talking to her husband, which is good because talking to her husband would probably lead to an argument with all those same issues. I felt like I really helped, which was good, but I also felt like it helped me. I could really see how far Brian and I have come, and it made me even more grateful for how amazing he is.

I had a health issue this week and once again, he stepped up and supported me. I won't go into details, but we were facing something that could majorly change some aspects of our relationship. He was so brave and willing to face it all head-on. He even said to me "It's a good thing we don't hate each other." Which is his way of saying how great we are together. We're best friends, and that is wonderful.

It's really fantastic to have friends who, when you look at them, reflect yourself.

P.S. Abigail is walking like a pro! She is suddenly (like, today) SO much faster and well-balanced. Huge improvement in one day!